Let it be the finale

Few minutes ago, as I was putting washed laundry in the dryer, I wrote the blog for the day. My mind went 60 000 000 000 000 000 an hour at that 3-minute period. Now, I don't know what to write or how to start. I'll just have to give myself a kick, I guess.

Around 2 weeks ago, I was awarded the Outstanding Student of the Year presidential award for my program. I thought it was nothing, just a minor award or something. It turned out that there was only student per program per year to receive the award. So, woohoo to me! It only took me a previous 4-year Bachelor's Degree to earn an award for an Associate's Degree. Woohoo! It felt good! No, really. It did feel good. If I had known that that's how it feels like ... ... ... ... well, it wasn't really worth skipping all my other 'extra-curricular' activities back in my previous collegiate years. Oh well, I was proud of myself for a while. That was two weeks ago.

Today is the earlier days of my last week at school for this year. And I have one-month's worth of assignments for 3 classes. That is equivalent to at least 15 essays and a couple more projects. Way to go, Outstanding Student of the Year for Human Services! I have set times for myself to work on them for the past two weeks, like right now. Guess, what happened? I used those times leisurely, like laying on the couch for 18 hours with bags of chocolates around me and Netflix on my TV. Then, I got up, and moved to my bed for bedtime, when I felt like sleeping on my bed. I have no regrets though. Except that I gained back the pounds and inches I've been working so hard to lose. (I'm crossing my fingers that my work pants which I just recently bought is still going to fit me tomorrow.) Besides my health, I have no regrets. I just want school to finish without me working some more. It's not even like I went to school for my career. It's just a filler in my life right now. Sure, I appreciate a lot of the things I learned. But can I just say stop now! My life doesn't depend on it, anyway.

Actually, my life depends on my survival until my freaking permanent residency comes out. If I am still alive and breathing by then, then I am good. I'll be running my life in full throttle when that comes around. But right now, what am I living for here? This is exactly how I was two months after I moved to this desert. Then I just kept pushing myself. I had 2 or 3 happy days in a month. And that's a very good number. Believe me. Then, I actually found lasting distractions. I worked out really good. I ran a lot. Lost a lot of weight. I found an awesome boyfriend, who I spend most of my time these days, besides being sad. I actually enjoyed the things I did to fill up my life. Now, I'm done doing that. I really don't believe that loving what you do is better than doing what you love anymore. I did that. And it lasted for a while. Now, I'm done. I know that I don't belong where I'm at, and I don't enjoy what I'm doing.

I moved here for many reasons. One of which is to be with my mom. Now I know that it is not the best way to go for our relationship to prosper. But I am thankful it happened. I found a boyfriend. Someone that I actually want to spend the rest of my live with. The one who I want to see last before I close my eyes at night, and the first sight I want when I wake up. Guess what? I can't really marry right now because of my legal situation. I want to go to school for my graduate degree. I applied to two different universities, which I really really want to pursue, once last year and once this year. I got rejected at both. Although, if I got admitted, I really didn't know where to get money to pay for it. So, I ended up going for an Associate's Degree, which was a huge slap on my face, just to keep my status in this country current. But I started to enjoy it this semester. And I'm done enjoying it. Recently, I gained the courage to actually look for a job and see if they are willing to invest in me, as is required by the freaking Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS). And somebody does want me to work for them. I got excited! I can actually work. I was very very excited. And that lasted until my lawyer's office sent me an email of the only position I am qualified for to apply for a working visa. What a surprise! It is something that I am not qualified for at this moment. So, that just went straight to the dumps.

Here I am, 21 years old, earned my Bachelor's Degree two years ago, most job experience is 2 months in sales, eating off my mom's food, living under my mom's roof, driving my mom's car with my mom's gas, wearing new clothes off my mom's credit card, going to school for nothing off my mom's credit card. I am 21 years old ready to rule the world. And I'm stuck.

Sure I have choices. But they became tougher after I made one choice two years ago.

I'm not just complaining anymore. I am disappointed. Because I already did everything to make it work. But what do I get? disappointment after disappointment after disappointment...

Am I to blame if my days are unproductive? Can't I get a few months off in a year? A year of mere struggle to make myself smile... Am I forbidden of that as well?

what the heck is this!

Do you ever experience not feeling anything? Be in a softball practice and say that you're ready when they need you to be? (As ready as a zombie, that is.) No matter how long you run, how much air you lost, how painful your ankle is, you still end up feeling discontent of the life that is in you. You know there is life. You are breathing. You are moving. You are hurt. You know you are feeling. But you're not.

Is that familiar to you?

It is.

It's when I know that there is nothing more I can do and that it is just one of those days. I'd just steer the wheel towards home. Halfway there, I'd swerve it quick for a sharp u-turn decided that home is not the right direction at the moment. So I'd step on the accelerator as hard as I can, roll down all my windows, turn up the music high enough to mask the 90mph wind underneath my hair and hoping that after 20 miles life will be more perceptible.

Twenty miles, a couple of Eraserheads songs, and a husky voice later, the zombie would still be on the driver's seat. Home would be on sight. Home would be 5 meters away. Home would be on the side mirror. Home would be on the rearview mirror. Darkness would then be 6 meters away.

Home is not the direction to be alive. It is ones grave. Driving towards it is defeat. Fight the light. Stay away from the light. It is not the end yet.

In darkness I shall find life. But then, where else must I rest?

fiery & hopeful

Erotic! Erotic! Put your hands all over my body. Erotic! Erotic! Put your hands all over my body. Eroticahhh. Rhhomancccce. I'd like to put you in a trance... . And the song goes on as I try to figure out how to start this blog with the apology of being 12 hours late.

(I guess Madonna solved my problem. =D)

I uploaded the photo last night right after I was ready for bed. Thereafter, I thought of only one word to start off. Fiery. I knew that after I typed the word I'd be on fire writing. However, after hitting the spacebar, a red mark appeared underneath the word. I knew that my spelling skills plummeted to 3rd grade level, but I was astounded of myself. It took me the whole night - well as I was dreaming, and this morning, to figure out how to correctly spell a 5-letter word that is rooted from one of the ancient words of mankind: fire. And I have no shame of shouting this out to the whole world. (Nobody else is reading this anyway. hahaha)

My digital dictionary didn't help me at all. I dozed off trying to figure out what was wrong with the sequence of five letters in my screen. If I was my twin then, I wouldn't have laughed at the dumb twin. I'd be ashamed she's my twin. But I'm not, so I forgive myself. Well, perhaps my mind was worn out from that day's activities.

Right. I'm 12 hours delayed because of one stupid word. What can I do? I had a good, athletic and relaxing day with my mom. And I don't do any of these often anymore. By these I meant sports, chat and actually exchange ideas, and have fun. I was drained after all that. A walk to the tennis court started it, and of course, we played, and actually fooled around with each other. I still can't believe I spent such moments with her. We walked back home and stopped for some cold drinks at the coffee shop until sunset came. She actually went with me sunset hunting. It was the first time in a couple of months that I wanted to share something I enjoyed with her. The sun helped, I guess.

Now I can't stop myself from feeling how hot the skin was on my skin. Wow! It was a beautiful sunny day. The sun ravished me with it's hotness. How can a defenseless damsel struggle against such alluring might? Ahhhww. It was ghhhhhood. No. It was more than good. I was energized. I was hyped. Yes! I loved it. Too bad I had no other outlet of those energy. It evaporated in thin air. But I'd definitely have that day over and over and over again before winter comes, hopefully with another way of using up the energy I'd acquire.

Nonetheless, it was a beautiful day with my mom. And I am now typing this hoping that it will be the same today. Just one day. One day to get over this weekend.

*fingers crossed

blue.not.

The sky did not have a hint of joyous yellow or orange tonight. It was all blue complementing the grateful majority of the population.

Eighty percent of the town is in the school premises to attend the high school graduation. Apparently, I am a part of the twenty percent. Not being a part of the grateful part did not make me blue though, which was a bit surprising. However, it made me green. There's a huge shindig in town, which I was invited to by the way, but nothing for me to party for/at/with. For most people, getting an invite is enough to have fun. In this case, it's not.

Sunset was blue. Me was green.

I was envious for 20 seconds there, just about the time I drove through the high school. And I said hello again to apathy.

Sunset says bye-bye. Me says good night.

Apathy and noise is rude and cruel. Apathy and silence is rude and forgiving. Top that with some pie crumbs, a couple of cherries (let's skip the whipped cream, i'm trying to be on diet), and some nuts. I chose the rude and forgiving serving, with all the works. =D Now that is, and was, the perfect dessert for a green summer day.

robbed me good

Yes. He was my sunset tonight.

Go figure.

heaven

I find it delightful how 30 seconds of fresh air and natural object symmetry clears out a troubled mind; and how the first 10 seconds entices you to take 10 more seconds, and 10 more after that, and 10 more, and 10 more, and oh well.

Grasping my camera, strolling around the newly ventured perfect country sunset spot, I was in a hurry to take just one okay shot so that I won't miss a lot of moments of serenity. After a few decent photos, I jumped up the hood of the car without second thoughts. I closed my eyes and took one deep breath. As I opened them, all I could feel was gratitude for the green meadow, the chiseled mountains, the amiable sun, the welcoming cows, contrasted with the deserted train tracks, the stop sign, the no trespassing sign, the sound of the truck engines and tires trying their might to rush uphill with their heavy loads. hmmmmmm. Everything was in sync.

Perfect harmony. That is impossible in most homes. But being in a small town, 5 miles from ones doorstep is heaven.

wide-angle

Sensational.

Exhilarating.

Daring.

Thought-provoking.

Spontaneous.

Towering.

Venturesome.

Relaxing.

Soothing.

Pleasurable.

And I can keep on going; only if I'm not weary, because this day has been...

Blissfully...

Exhausting.