what the heck is this!

Do you ever experience not feeling anything? Be in a softball practice and say that you're ready when they need you to be? (As ready as a zombie, that is.) No matter how long you run, how much air you lost, how painful your ankle is, you still end up feeling discontent of the life that is in you. You know there is life. You are breathing. You are moving. You are hurt. You know you are feeling. But you're not.

Is that familiar to you?

It is.

It's when I know that there is nothing more I can do and that it is just one of those days. I'd just steer the wheel towards home. Halfway there, I'd swerve it quick for a sharp u-turn decided that home is not the right direction at the moment. So I'd step on the accelerator as hard as I can, roll down all my windows, turn up the music high enough to mask the 90mph wind underneath my hair and hoping that after 20 miles life will be more perceptible.

Twenty miles, a couple of Eraserheads songs, and a husky voice later, the zombie would still be on the driver's seat. Home would be on sight. Home would be 5 meters away. Home would be on the side mirror. Home would be on the rearview mirror. Darkness would then be 6 meters away.

Home is not the direction to be alive. It is ones grave. Driving towards it is defeat. Fight the light. Stay away from the light. It is not the end yet.

In darkness I shall find life. But then, where else must I rest?

fiery & hopeful

Erotic! Erotic! Put your hands all over my body. Erotic! Erotic! Put your hands all over my body. Eroticahhh. Rhhomancccce. I'd like to put you in a trance... . And the song goes on as I try to figure out how to start this blog with the apology of being 12 hours late.

(I guess Madonna solved my problem. =D)

I uploaded the photo last night right after I was ready for bed. Thereafter, I thought of only one word to start off. Fiery. I knew that after I typed the word I'd be on fire writing. However, after hitting the spacebar, a red mark appeared underneath the word. I knew that my spelling skills plummeted to 3rd grade level, but I was astounded of myself. It took me the whole night - well as I was dreaming, and this morning, to figure out how to correctly spell a 5-letter word that is rooted from one of the ancient words of mankind: fire. And I have no shame of shouting this out to the whole world. (Nobody else is reading this anyway. hahaha)

My digital dictionary didn't help me at all. I dozed off trying to figure out what was wrong with the sequence of five letters in my screen. If I was my twin then, I wouldn't have laughed at the dumb twin. I'd be ashamed she's my twin. But I'm not, so I forgive myself. Well, perhaps my mind was worn out from that day's activities.

Right. I'm 12 hours delayed because of one stupid word. What can I do? I had a good, athletic and relaxing day with my mom. And I don't do any of these often anymore. By these I meant sports, chat and actually exchange ideas, and have fun. I was drained after all that. A walk to the tennis court started it, and of course, we played, and actually fooled around with each other. I still can't believe I spent such moments with her. We walked back home and stopped for some cold drinks at the coffee shop until sunset came. She actually went with me sunset hunting. It was the first time in a couple of months that I wanted to share something I enjoyed with her. The sun helped, I guess.

Now I can't stop myself from feeling how hot the skin was on my skin. Wow! It was a beautiful sunny day. The sun ravished me with it's hotness. How can a defenseless damsel struggle against such alluring might? Ahhhww. It was ghhhhhood. No. It was more than good. I was energized. I was hyped. Yes! I loved it. Too bad I had no other outlet of those energy. It evaporated in thin air. But I'd definitely have that day over and over and over again before winter comes, hopefully with another way of using up the energy I'd acquire.

Nonetheless, it was a beautiful day with my mom. And I am now typing this hoping that it will be the same today. Just one day. One day to get over this weekend.

*fingers crossed

blue.not.

The sky did not have a hint of joyous yellow or orange tonight. It was all blue complementing the grateful majority of the population.

Eighty percent of the town is in the school premises to attend the high school graduation. Apparently, I am a part of the twenty percent. Not being a part of the grateful part did not make me blue though, which was a bit surprising. However, it made me green. There's a huge shindig in town, which I was invited to by the way, but nothing for me to party for/at/with. For most people, getting an invite is enough to have fun. In this case, it's not.

Sunset was blue. Me was green.

I was envious for 20 seconds there, just about the time I drove through the high school. And I said hello again to apathy.

Sunset says bye-bye. Me says good night.

Apathy and noise is rude and cruel. Apathy and silence is rude and forgiving. Top that with some pie crumbs, a couple of cherries (let's skip the whipped cream, i'm trying to be on diet), and some nuts. I chose the rude and forgiving serving, with all the works. =D Now that is, and was, the perfect dessert for a green summer day.

robbed me good

Yes. He was my sunset tonight.

Go figure.

heaven

I find it delightful how 30 seconds of fresh air and natural object symmetry clears out a troubled mind; and how the first 10 seconds entices you to take 10 more seconds, and 10 more after that, and 10 more, and 10 more, and oh well.

Grasping my camera, strolling around the newly ventured perfect country sunset spot, I was in a hurry to take just one okay shot so that I won't miss a lot of moments of serenity. After a few decent photos, I jumped up the hood of the car without second thoughts. I closed my eyes and took one deep breath. As I opened them, all I could feel was gratitude for the green meadow, the chiseled mountains, the amiable sun, the welcoming cows, contrasted with the deserted train tracks, the stop sign, the no trespassing sign, the sound of the truck engines and tires trying their might to rush uphill with their heavy loads. hmmmmmm. Everything was in sync.

Perfect harmony. That is impossible in most homes. But being in a small town, 5 miles from ones doorstep is heaven.

wide-angle

Sensational.

Exhilarating.

Daring.

Thought-provoking.

Spontaneous.

Towering.

Venturesome.

Relaxing.

Soothing.

Pleasurable.

And I can keep on going; only if I'm not weary, because this day has been...

Blissfully...

Exhausting.

homesick

Homesick, sick of home. What's the difference? At this point of my life, none, except that those are two different homes. And a simple Quick Easy-N-Fast Chocolate Chip Pie recipe cured this sickness.

After I place my first pie crust into the pie pan, my forehead loosened for the first time today. This was 3:40pm.

After all, ones very first pie crust is much more rewarding than paying for a commercial whole.

Before this moment, I had a long mental sorrowful list of perfect topics for tonight. All are remnants of the homesickness and the suppressed regret. It does get old even to me. So, I will not be writing about it now, despite the aptness of the murky sunset.

As soon as the pie was filled with the quick and easy and not-so-fast-in-my-case filling, abrakadabra! (my oven's magic spell brought about a piece of crumbly and surprisingly soft in the inside foreign round... thing... seemingly suitable for human consumption), I stepped out for a hike up at the landfill hills. It was there where I made a better piece for writing tonight. If I remember it right, it was of witty, sarcastic and obviously defensive thoughts about my sorrow. I can't remember what they were exactly except that I was really amused.

Hmmmmmmm....oh! I remember concluding one thing.

People who blog and who are in facebook are individuals who don't always have someone they can brag to, hate with, or feel any of those conscience-and-shame-provoking emotions - which make us humans and not gods, by the way - without feeling some kind of discomfort. Or simply put, no true friends. And yes, I am one of them.

I never felt the need to use that what's in your mind space in facebook. I never wanted to write because I'm not a good writer. When I wanted to do something productive, I thought of blogging. But still, I'm not a good writer. No motivation at all until I felt the need to think, to feel and to express as a lone ranger in the desert. Well, at least there's my Geoffy and the world wide web to keep me company.

And it was days like this which bottled up in me that lead me to this salvation.

road remnants

Beautiful! The sky was just beautiful at 10:30pm. The stars where shimmering with all their might with nothing that hinders its exposition. Beautiful! That's one of the few things I appreciate about small towns. Artificial lights are minimal, and so nature outshines. Who doesn't love a silent night with a glimmering dark sky?

Sunset was as breathtaking. Seven-thirty at night, I stepped back out of the house without my running shoes, and with my camera and jacket. Walked my way out from the town center where grass were still green and red at winter, not that it matters now. But the point is, it is a simple and humble extravagance of nature from the sand landscape, to the chaotic green-yellow-red grass, to the few lone trees, to the melodic birds, to the polite river, to the bouncy yet bashful bunny, to the white mountains that mirrors the brown dull ones that forms a perfect silhouette as the friendly sun shies away at night after it explodes its rich beauty to the lovely blue sky and the capricious clouds. It is a perfect spot to find peace and happiness.

(Boy! You can tell I'm feeling good today.)

As cheerful as it seems, this day was as flighty as the clouds. It seemed like a 24-hour gentle attack of all kinds of emotions. But tonight, I chose to remember the one that lightens up this darkness. It is a blur, yes. But what it makes me feel is very distinct.

rush hour

Sunset day 1 it is.

Ok. Ok. This is not sunset. I was an hour late. Well, I had some visitors, and it involved human interaction which I prefer more than interacting with my camera and the sky. This doesn't happen often to me these days, so, you understand my priority.

So, how was 'sunset' today? Since 3pm, I had been looking forward to capture the sunset and to write on this page, my very first official blog. And then I realized that I didn't know how to go about this. Well, I still don't. You'll be reading nonsensical and pointless statements for the next 5 minutes.

Anyhow, I was cooking dinner during sunset for my beloved visitors, and was holding on to a chance of miracle that would teleport me to my favorite sunset spot or spots. And no such miracle happened. My head was mostly sticking out the window looking for the beautifully dyed sky among the roofs and the trees. Well, it won't be that bad missing my first sunset for the blog. I was having fun making quick dinner for my friends anyway. It still would be a piece of glee worth sharing. And so darkness came, and that tad bit of hope I was trying to suppress was repressed smoothly.

The night went on. Dinner was almost ready. Disappointment has surfaced. My first actual purposeful project for months that I really want , and I failed the very first day.

And ...

and ...

Circumstances forced me to drive out of the house. And yes, I grabbed the chance to capture that meager piece of sunlight resting on the horizon. This horizon is a perfect imagery of this town, of my day, and of hope.

kick off

Hello to my first official diary! I hope to have a long-term relationship with you. I am not into writing, but I am very expressive, verbally normally. Since nobody is around to listen to my daily mundane activities, you shall be the recipient of them all. The best part of this relationship is you can't complain. As they say, give-and-take is a key to a successful bond. So, I give, you take. Perfect!

Mockery aside, this blog is dedicated to the rest of my life. It shall contain brief descriptions and glints of emotions - of happiness, i hope, of my daily existence. It will be accompanied with a photo of the sunset day by day. I am situated at this part of the world for 8 months now, and have noticed the beautiful kaleidoscope sunsets just couple of weeks ago. Since then, I look forward every afternoon to see how the sky and the clouds are patterned and painted uniquely. And have always tried to capture them realistically with my camera, and almost always ended up editing them. Although, they turn out as beautifully as I would remember them, or how I felt watching them. As this became a habit of mine, I decided to make it a project aimed to share the glee or the woe that I feel seeing this simple yet magnificent daily phenomenon that people are missing because of their busy momentous lives.

I hope that the photos will have the same effect on you as it has on me. To be exact, it makes me breathe deeply, hear the wind blow, listen to the leaves chatter, and feel the sentiment of my heart. And so, I get to know me a tad better every time.

In addition to the sunsets, I also aim to post a dish or a dessert that I prepare during the day. Cooking/Baking draws me out of the human world and brings me into the ideal world of the Stepford wives. And so I'd have an excuse to be away from reality, and be a mere luscious-brownie-producing robot. As much as I want to do this daily, I do not oblige myself.

But you'll surely read about a little something else besides the sunset. =)

Well, I guess my hello to my diary and to the virtual world has been too long already. I'll dismiss you with a bucket of happiness and a wish to enjoy every ride you take.

And, oh! Thanks for taking the time. =>