Few minutes ago, as I was putting washed laundry in the dryer, I wrote the blog for the day. My mind went 60 000 000 000 000 000 an hour at that 3-minute period. Now, I don't know what to write or how to start. I'll just have to give myself a kick, I guess.
Around 2 weeks ago, I was awarded the Outstanding Student of the Year presidential award for my program. I thought it was nothing, just a minor award or something. It turned out that there was only student per program per year to receive the award. So, woohoo to me! It only took me a previous 4-year Bachelor's Degree to earn an award for an Associate's Degree. Woohoo! It felt good! No, really. It did feel good. If I had known that that's how it feels like ... ... ... ... well, it wasn't really worth skipping all my other 'extra-curricular' activities back in my previous collegiate years. Oh well, I was proud of myself for a while. That was two weeks ago.
Today is the earlier days of my last week at school for this year. And I have one-month's worth of assignments for 3 classes. That is equivalent to at least 15 essays and a couple more projects. Way to go, Outstanding Student of the Year for Human Services! I have set times for myself to work on them for the past two weeks, like right now. Guess, what happened? I used those times leisurely, like laying on the couch for 18 hours with bags of chocolates around me and Netflix on my TV. Then, I got up, and moved to my bed for bedtime, when I felt like sleeping on my bed. I have no regrets though. Except that I gained back the pounds and inches I've been working so hard to lose. (I'm crossing my fingers that my work pants which I just recently bought is still going to fit me tomorrow.) Besides my health, I have no regrets. I just want school to finish without me working some more. It's not even like I went to school for my career. It's just a filler in my life right now. Sure, I appreciate a lot of the things I learned. But can I just say stop now! My life doesn't depend on it, anyway.
Actually, my life depends on my survival until my freaking permanent residency comes out. If I am still alive and breathing by then, then I am good. I'll be running my life in full throttle when that comes around. But right now, what am I living for here? This is exactly how I was two months after I moved to this desert. Then I just kept pushing myself. I had 2 or 3 happy days in a month. And that's a very good number. Believe me. Then, I actually found lasting distractions. I worked out really good. I ran a lot. Lost a lot of weight. I found an awesome boyfriend, who I spend most of my time these days, besides being sad. I actually enjoyed the things I did to fill up my life. Now, I'm done doing that. I really don't believe that loving what you do is better than doing what you love anymore. I did that. And it lasted for a while. Now, I'm done. I know that I don't belong where I'm at, and I don't enjoy what I'm doing.
I moved here for many reasons. One of which is to be with my mom. Now I know that it is not the best way to go for our relationship to prosper. But I am thankful it happened. I found a boyfriend. Someone that I actually want to spend the rest of my live with. The one who I want to see last before I close my eyes at night, and the first sight I want when I wake up. Guess what? I can't really marry right now because of my legal situation. I want to go to school for my graduate degree. I applied to two different universities, which I really really want to pursue, once last year and once this year. I got rejected at both. Although, if I got admitted, I really didn't know where to get money to pay for it. So, I ended up going for an Associate's Degree, which was a huge slap on my face, just to keep my status in this country current. But I started to enjoy it this semester. And I'm done enjoying it. Recently, I gained the courage to actually look for a job and see if they are willing to invest in me, as is required by the freaking Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS). And somebody does want me to work for them. I got excited! I can actually work. I was very very excited. And that lasted until my lawyer's office sent me an email of the only position I am qualified for to apply for a working visa. What a surprise! It is something that I am not qualified for at this moment. So, that just went straight to the dumps.
Here I am, 21 years old, earned my Bachelor's Degree two years ago, most job experience is 2 months in sales, eating off my mom's food, living under my mom's roof, driving my mom's car with my mom's gas, wearing new clothes off my mom's credit card, going to school for nothing off my mom's credit card. I am 21 years old ready to rule the world. And I'm stuck.
Sure I have choices. But they became tougher after I made one choice two years ago.
I'm not just complaining anymore. I am disappointed. Because I already did everything to make it work. But what do I get? disappointment after disappointment after disappointment...
Am I to blame if my days are unproductive? Can't I get a few months off in a year? A year of mere struggle to make myself smile... Am I forbidden of that as well?
